if it means a lot to you [Ellen]

[ELLEN VICTORIA LEYDEN]

but how could you have let me love him
AND POUR THIS FIRE IN MY SOUL FOR HIM WHY?
ONLY TO DENY THE CHANCE TO SHARE A LIFE, TELL ME WHY
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Nothing Rod could say to her would change her mind when it came to love. She believed that love would eventually conquer all, and that there was a perfect person out there for you. After all the pain and misery she had been through in her life love was all she had left to hold onto, and love was what she would hold onto until the day she died. In her eyes rejecting love in all forms was cowardly and selfish; in her eyes Rodolphus was cowardly and selfish. And if her ideas were absolutely ridiculous at least what she lived for wasn't hurting other people. What Rod stood for was evil and completely diabolical, and it hurt her so much that someone like him could have been brainwashed to the point of actually believing what they stood for. How hundreds of wizards could be convinced into killing so many innocent people just because they weren't of 'pure blood' was over her head.

Ellen shook her head when he tried to make excuses for why he was the way he was. People simply weren't born sadistic; there had to be some event or environmental thing that made them that way, but obviously Rod was convinced he couldn't change. That had been her mistake since the beginning; it was impossible to change someone who didn't believe they could be changed. "Why do you think you just are the way you are?" She asked curiously. As an eternal optimist she liked to believe the best in people, and his answer of 'I just am that way' was not enough for her. "Perhaps you were raised by a pureblood who married a muggle and they were happy together. No alcohol, no drugs, no blood supremacy, and no abuse...I'm sure you would be different." In fact, Ellen was willing to wager that if they traded life circumstances Rodolphus would be completely different.

'Why?' It was the one question she knew was going to be asked eventually, and the one question she had been dreading. Back when she was still in school she asked herself that a thousand times, and she still couldn't come up with an acceptable answer. Him asking her this right now wasn't unexpected at all, but it still too her aback. This very question always managed to stump her. "I--I don't know," she said honestly. "I guess I was always intrigued by you, and that time at the Three Broomsticks I saw a part of you that made you, human?" She sighed heavily. Talking about the reasons for her feelings for him wasn't an easy topic for her. "It scared me so much that I was physically sick, and it confuses me even now." He made her feel like a child: vulnerable, needy, and weak, but in a twisted way she was attracted to it. Never in her life had she felt like that.

The tension was so thick she could cut it with a knife, and now she could really feel how angry he was. Their time together was coming to an end, and whatever he had planned to do when he came here was probably going to get executed now. Something stopped him yet again. He looked confused by something, and Ellen couldn't help but be curious what that was. When he finally said what he was thinking she smiled brightly. Yes, she would do anything to protect him because she loved him more than anything. "I would. The love I feel for him consumes me everyday. It doesn't matter that he carries your DNA, or that he looks exactly like you. He's my son, and I love him just because he's mine." Obviously the man in front of her couldn't wrap his mind around that, and that kind of surprised her.

Her eyes narrowed at his words. Perhaps most people would try to sweet talk their way out of her situation, but Ellen wouldn't do that. Ever. "If I die right here today at least I'll know that I died myself, and that I died drying to protect something sacred to me." Her voice was strong and her stance unwavering. Maybe he thought that killing her would mean he won, but it didn't. Her death meant her child had a chance to get away and survive; he had made it obvious that there would be no way for both of them to survive. If this was the only way she was unafraid. "Just listen to yourself." She said coldly. "Willing to take lives to preserve your vitality. There's no changing your mind and I know it. To you I'm just another mudblood."

776 WORDS
rod/jazz TAGGED
tell me why-laura m. kelly LYRICS
PANIC! ITS LAUZ @ CAUTION TEMPLATE
la la la NOTES

[RODOLPHUS JUDE LESTRANGE]

I SWEAR COME TOMORROW THIS WILL ALL BE IN OUR PAST

He titled his head to one side, one eyebrow rising higher than the other as he frowned at her question. He debated over whether or not to give her an answer at all. Did it matter? In just a few moments from now she would be dead; it wasn’t like she would or could care then. In essence, it was a question of nature versus nurture and one apparently Ellen was quite interested in. She viewed it as his circumstances that had forced him to turn out this way and although Rod could understand that to be a big contributing factor, in his opinion, it wasn’t just down to that. Honestly, he had never given it much thought. He knew he wasn’t, he was loathe to use the word, but ‘normal.’ He knew that it was against the norm to have psychopathic tendencies but he had never been interested in divulging why. He let out an angry snarl at her hypothetical upbringing for him; even the idea of being born from a muggle, even someone offering it up as a scenario disgusted him.

Rod lifted his shoulders and brought them back down again in a shrug after a lengthy pause as he pondered her question. Perhaps he had just inherited the ‘crazy gene’ a rare, recessive piece of DNA that lay dormant in most. ”Perhaps not. Maybe there’s a chemical imbalance in my brain. Or a genetic default. Years of inbreeding.” His words were spoken with almost amusement; as if he wasn’t convinced any of those were the correct answer. His frown was back as something occurred to him. ”I don’t want anybody to make excuses for me.” Including himself. He didn’t want a reason for being this way. And that was why he said he just was that way, it was why he never wanted Ellen to ‘fix’ him; being crazy made him stand out from the crowd, it made him recognisable, feared and respected by many and some but ultimately it was his signature. If he hadn’t been This Rodolphus Lestrange, he would’ve been just another ordinary, albeit aristocratic, brick in the wall.

The attention shifted back to Rod being the questioner which was much how he preferred things since it gave him the feeling that he was in control. He was dictating how the conversation was to be played out. He listened attentively, his cold stare and now persistent frown still there. She answered and his lips parted, unable to stop them from making an ‘O’ of surprise. He quickly slammed them shut again but the damage was already done and his ego had soared. If he hadn’t been Psychotic Rod, would Ellen have been interested in him? No, almost certainly not. Looking back over what had happened between them however; Rod would have considered her disinterest to be a blessing. He couldn’t help it though; her words did make him feel good.

There was still a part of him that was still the seventeen year old boy that craved any amount of attention that was thrown his way. Back then he was isolated from everybody including his family and so he had almost fallen for the caring, forgiving Gryffindor girl. These days, Bellatrix was spending more and more time away from him and once again it was easy to see how he could fall for the caring, forgiving Gryffindor girl. ”It was my brokenness that attracted you to me...” He trailed off thoughtfully, convinced that she could have found similar traits in a number of students at school. He continued on, not knowing whether he was asking or telling her. ”You want to fix people. That’s what it was. It still is. You wanted to fix me; I would be the most difficult challenge of all, that’s why. But you can’t fix everybody; some people were made to be broken. Even if there was once a human part of me.” He had already admitted that last to her. That he had believed that there was something within him that could be saved but instead of opening it up to her he had shoved it further away. He was aware that he was putting words into her mouth but he wasn’t saying the words in an attempt to manipulate her; in fact it was probably the most genuine thing he had ever told her before and in some strange way, a sort of back-handed compliment. Just more reasons to end things soon.

His lip curled, her words sounding weak and alien to him. The boy was also his. He had none of those feelings. Even when he did see the child he knew that would not change. That he would still harbour intense hatred because of everything he stood for. He shook his head, practically in disbelief at her response even though it was the one he expected. ”You failed at protecting him.” He replied, his tone callous and harsh. Rod would stop at nothing until he found him. In reality, the boy might still be alive, but as far as Rod was concerned it was just a matter of time.

”You are.” He agreed softly, noting that it was possibly the only thing that the two of them had ever agreed on in their lives. And with that, he straightened his arm, his wand pointed directly at her chest and he looked into her eyes, pausing for just a second before he spoke the words, determined, cold, calculating; he was still the same screwed up seventh year following the wrong cause. He was lost and alone and therefore he would always be the loser even if his side was ‘winning.’ Ellen had reached out to him and he could have reached back and saved himself from a life of hostility and brutality. And perhaps he wouldn’t have lasted as long as he was now destined to, perhaps he wouldn’t have pleased his unforgiving family or made a lot of money or had any power but he would have been happy. Because as he released the curse in order to end the life of the woman who had wanted to help him, it wasn’t happiness he felt or even relief. There was just a short surge of power but it wasn’t enough of a spark to heat him up, there wasn’t ever enough to quell the constant feeling of ice cold hatred. She was gone. And once again, he was alone.

THAT MIGHT BE FOR THE BEST

tag Ellen/Rod
words 1,074
lyrics ADTR - if it means a lot to you
notes Sorry, firstly for the length of time it took me to reply and also, I got epicly carried away =/ I hope you don’t mind! I figured it was ending like this... but I can cut the last paragraph if you want! Feel free to reply if you like anyways! xD

[ELLEN VICTORIA LEYDEN]

but how could you have let me love him
AND POUR THIS FIRE IN MY SOUL FOR HIM WHY?
ONLY TO DENY THE CHANCE TO SHARE A LIFE, TELL ME WHY
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The snarl the man before let out revealed his disgust of even thinking about being in a muggle family. Ellen couldn't believe how closed purebloods were to the idea of not having magic, or not being in a 'perfect' bloodline. Everything the Death Eaters was so far from reality it made her sick to the stomach. Muggles weren't evil, and muggleborns were not abominations. They were just people; imperfect, flawed, and incredibly beautiful. If the world understood that there wouldn't be a Dark Lord who claimed God status above all living things. So many lives could be saved if the one percenters of the world could open their eyes to the truth.

She shook her head strongly. Every pureblood alive claimed that to excuse their madness. "That is such a pathetically overused excuse for something you can change." The disgust in her voice was evident. At the age of twenty one Ellen was fully aware of her many imperfections, but she did not make excuses for herself; whether it was something simple like not completing a deadline, or something life changing like getting pregnant with her son. If she did something contemptible she took full responsibility and did the best she could to make it better. Hence the reason she devoted her life to ensuring her son had a good life after she found out who the father was. "And yet you make excuses for yourself. How can you be such a hypocrite?"

When she finished her impassioned speech answering his question he had a look of shock on his face. Many young women would probably be ecstatic. After all shocking Lestrange was not an easy task to do, but Ellen wasn't happy. For four years he was oblivious to how deeply she really felt for him, and that hurt. Every moment they had spent together had been out of love on her part, but to him it was just lust. Nothing more and nothing less. Even if they had been together one or two times her feelings were as good as unrequited, and it would be that way for forever. Rod didn't have the ability to empathize with other people, and he certainly couldn't feel what she felt whenever she was around him.

Despite the fact she spilled her heart to him minutes before her inevitable death he still didn't understand. He would never understand, and it frustrated her. She listened to his interpretation of what she had said and was appalled. So appalled she couldn't hide it. "You poison and twist my words because you don't want to hear what they really mean," her voice was cold and sharp. "Not everything is a challenge. Not everything is war. And everything is certainly not about fixing people. Some people actually have the capacity to love in this world." Ellen didn't set out in life to fix anybody, and when she decided she had feelings for him it was not because she wanted to remedy his crazy. "If you would have let me I would have loved you crazy or not, but the only way we had a chance was if you changed." A part of Ellen always was drawn to that insanity within him even if it was extremely dangerous.

Ellen wanted desperately to be strong and not believe anything he said, but in the back of her mind she considered his words. That was what he wanted after all; to infect her mind. Once she realized it was his will to make her question everything she found the strength to accept death and not dwell on what could have happened. There was nothing she could do to keep him from killing her, and there wasn't anything she could change to allow both of them to keep their lives. One of them had to die, and the young mother decided it was her time instead of her boy. It was her son's turn to know love, to live life, and to be happy.

His last words foreshadowed what was going to happen, and surprisingly she wasn't afraid of dying. Death was simply the beginning of a new chapter in life, and that hope allowed her to remain calm during her inevitable final moments. She watched as he got his wand out, and she thought of her family, her career, Kevin, but most of all the one person she was willing to give it all up for. When Rodolphus's malicious eyes met hers for the last time a tear rolled down her face; not for herself, but for the man who was about to kill, for the son who would never know her, and for her love who would never understand. "I always loved you." She whispered a millisecond before the beam hit her. And just like that it was all over; at least that's what Rodolphus believed. In her heart she knew her love for him was too powerful to possibly be contained in the living world, and from wherever she was going she'd be their, forever watchful of everyone she ever loved. Including the one who took what was not his to take.

855 WORDS
rod/jazz TAGGED
tell me why-laura m. kelly LYRICS
PANIC! ITS LAUZ @ CAUTION TEMPLATE
i adored your last paragraph! it completely blew me away. p.s. ellen is so haunting him from the grave NOTES