head on collision [October]

[ALISTAIR ELIJAH MACMILLAN]

I've been holding back long enough

[atrb=border,0,true] [style=width: 250px; height: 290px; padding: 0px 5px 0px 5px; font-family: calibri; font-size: 11px; text-align:justify; color: #333; line-height: 99%; overflow: auto] It made no sense to place the library so far from Ravenclaw tower. Was it some strange attempt to keep the students of Ravenclaw house fit and healthy? If it was then it was working. Al hardly felt like he needed to attend quidditch practice later what with all this walking he was doing today. He’d dragged his legs from one side of the castle to the other all morning. From his dorms to the Great Hall, to transfiguration then all the way outside to Herbology, back inside the to the Great Hall for lunch and then up to the Ravenclaw common room to drop off his unwanted belongings, wash away the mud and plant smell from the greenhouses and collect his textbooks for the essay he was going to write. He had the rest of the afternoon off; the joys of being a seventh year included lots of free periods. Alistair being the studious Ravenclaw always made the best use of his free time and so it was off to the library for him. The place was practically deserted. He passed only a few of his housemates on his way through the dusty shelves to his favourite spot. He didn’t give them any acknowledgement. He didn’t particularly get on with many Ravenclaws since he rather liked to rub his superior intellect into their faces. Other houses could put up with it (well, some people could) but those in his own house did not appreciate being called dumb and having Alistair attempting to prove them wrong. And so he generally kept his distance. He spent most of his life inside of the library actually. He definitely spent more time here than in his common room that was for sure. He liked it like this, quiet and almost empty. Of course, most of the school were still in lessons and Al liked to take advantage of that. He would hopefully get the majority, if not all of his essay done before the final period ended. He sat himself down at his favourite seat. It was a table big enough for two people only and if Al used the space wisely, he could spread his books and parchment so that no one else could possible join him. He wasn’t usually so majorly anti-social, only when he was working. He took his studies very seriously, did Alistair. After all, the rest of his life would be based on these grades; he had to make sure he passed with flying colours. Intelligence was the best attribute in his opinion. As he laid his belongings out on the seat, he took a glance outside. From this seat by the window, he had a brilliant view of the grounds. The weather was clear and crisp and by early evening and quidditch practice (he could see the pitch from here, the house flags fluttering in the autumn breeze) the sun would be low in the sky. Fairly good conditions to be playing in. He would be looking forward to it if he wasn’t so damn tired. He set to work, flicking through textbooks and scratching out lines. He was going to a decent pace as well, had a good flow going and a pretty good argument. That was until something stumped him. I know, not a lot does. But this did. Herbology wasn’t his strongest subject but it interested him. He resented having to stop midway since he was on a roll but in order to continue he really ought to search out the real meanings of this plant and that meant getting up and finding a book on it. He wandered over to the plants and herbs section of the library and began browsing the shelves. It was there that he started hearing a tapping sound and after just several seconds of it, it began to irritate him greatly and so he followed the noise a short way a way to tell the person to stop it, rounded a sharp corner and came face to face with October ‘ex girlfriend’ Madley. ”Oh, it’s you.” He said, stopping a metre or so short of her, "You're making noise, please stop it." sounding rather blunt and unimpressed. [/style]

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[october]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-color: dddddd; border: #cccccc solid 8px; width: 420px; padding: 15 5 15 5px;] I'M TRYING REAL HARD TO NOT SHAKE I'M BITING MY TONGUE The Words: 726 The Outfit: her robes Tagged alistair macmillan Everyone in October's classes knew that she wasn't very good at the subjects they were being taught. Charms, potions, transfiguration, everything. She was horrible at this school when it came to the classes that they had to take. Luckily, she had a sister who was good at what she did. But her sister wasn't always the most helpful person in the world. October's sister would push her off, tell her to go see some Ravenclaw, well that worked didn't it. She eventually got into a relationship with a boy named Alistair. He was a nice guy, didn't abuse her like a lot of other boys did, but they ended sourly. October likes to evade him because of it. There is no reason for them to interact. They are too different, too... Well, just too different. They were fine but then he cheated on her. And even if he was drunk there was no reason for him to do that. She thought she could love him, but she guessed wrong. They broke up after that and have been sour exes ever since. And she has done her best to avoid him at all costs, not wanting to bring back unwanted memories and things that could've been. She just didn't want to be hurt anymore... Her room wasn't a good place to do homework. There were always people there during downtime. Hufflepuff females discussing the latest gossip, who is datable and who isn't. Exes were brought up of October's, and she just couldn't take it. Too many memories. She picked up her stuff and heard the girls protest as she left the room. She was moving quickly and was walking down to the library. The only place where there wasn't a lot of noise, and most definitely not a bunch of ex-boyfriends being brought up in conversation. It was unnecessary for them to do that, when everyone knew that October had the ability to get a lot of boys. Of course, she barely got any from Slytherin. Something about her being dirty with her half-blood. And it wasn't that she slept around either, it was that she just had a lot of boyfriends. She didn't get intimate with many, she just got rebounds and new boys that made her feel special. Even if most of them left bruises on her fair skin. She was thinking too much. She opened the library doors and walked up to a table. Why didn't she think of this before? Full of books and wonder, the library should've been the only place she studied and did homework anymore. No common room and especially no dorm room. She was just going to use the library from now on. She sprawled herself out around a four person table, each different subject having it's own pile of stuff on the table. She got up and grabbed different books to help with her essays as well. And once she was situated, she got to work. She was going to stay here as long as possible, and get all this work done so that she didn't have to go bug her sister about it all. Or anyone else for that matter. She had a bad habit though. She would tap her writing utensils on her desk when she was thinking. She'd bite the pencils too, shake her legs. But this time, someone heard her tapping and someone was telling her to knock it off. She turned to see none other than Alistair MacMillan. Of course, who else would it be. Someone she just wanted to stay away from, not want to deal with the sounds of his voice and the way that they had... She stopped herself from thinking about it. "I-I'm sorry," she stuttered, "I didn't think it was hurting anyone." She didn't say much to him. She used to be able to talk to him more, but ever since the break up she's become the shy girl that she was when they had first met and started talking. She didn't want it to be like that, but he cheated. She couldn't forgive that, even if it was Alistair. She looked back down at her notes and said quietly, "I'll stop." She started to bounce her leg as she continued on her notes, hoping that he would just go away and she could get back to work. created by ADE! Pb-ified by WILL

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[ALISTAIR ELIJAH MACMILLAN]

To say that Alistair and October’s relationship had ended on a bad note was an understatement. He supposed it was mostly his fault. He would never admit that out loud of course, but he had cheated on her. Not on purpose, it had been a drunken mistake, something he regretted still to this day. Though in all honesty, their relationship had never been... healthy. They’d fought like cat and dog, never managing to agree, Alistair had always been bitter about something or other and he rather enjoyed arguing, so often he’d just create one for the sake of it. He would start a quarrel for the soul reason of wanting to fight with her. It hadn’t all been bad, there had been glimmers of fun, of laughing and joking and kisses by the lake. Al did know how to be a gentleman; he just had a strange pull for fights.

”Thank you.” He said, nodding curtly. He had never liked her instant apologies when they had been going out. Alistair had felt like he could walk all over her if he had wanted and that’s not how he liked his relationships to be. He wanted someone who wasn’t afraid to stand up to him, who wasn’t afraid to tell him to go to hell and say that they would do as they damn well please. It was why he found himself attracted to Juliette. She was someone who told him where to go every time he appeared by her side. She did him no favours whatsoever. But he was grateful for October’s lack of resistance this time around because he really did need full peace and quiet to work in. He couldn’t stand people making noise in the library. It was a place of work, not a rock concert.

If he had any sense, he would just turn around and leave her to get on with her work. But he felt guilty seeing her submissive reaction, the look on her face, and he suddenly felt like he had to make it up to her. Besides he didn’t think he could actually work now, knowing that she was just around the corner struggling through her notes. He did feel immensely guilty sometimes for the way that they had broken up. He didn’t want to be that guy. The one that cheated. He understood not getting along with your ex after a break up but he didn’t enjoy not having her forgiveness. He wanted to win it from her but they still ended up arguing whenever they were together. He had yet to figure out how to not bicker with her.

”I didn’t mean to be rude about it.” That was Alistair’s version of an apology. The words ‘I’m sorry’ left his mouth for no one unless said sarcastically or to his sister. Daphne was the only person he could stand apologizing to, his sibling was the only person to whom he could admit that he was wrong. And perhaps his mother. He hesitated, before stepping towards her, his movements forced and robotic. ”Are you alright? How have you been?” He stopped, standing behind the chair adjacent to her, resting his hands on the back of it. His eyes were drawn to her work that was spread out over the table. ”There are actually five exceptions to Gamp’s law of elemental transfiguration, not four. And it’s Hesper Gamp, not Jasper.” He said, pointing down at her transfiguration essay, unable to stop himself from correcting her work. It was a bad habit of his, telling people when they were wrong. He did it a lot. For some reason, it made people not like him.

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[october]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-color: dddddd; border: #cccccc solid 8px; width: 420px; padding: 15 5 15 5px;] I'M TRYING REAL HARD TO NOT SHAKE I'M BITING MY TONGUE The Words: 633 The Outfit: her robes Tagged alistair macmillan When Alistair said thank you October just dismissed it without any interruption and just kept staring at her paper. She didn't really want to be talking to him. It was bad enough that they had always fought in their relationship, and he hated it when October would just be submissive into everything he wanted to do. It wasn't her fault that was how she was wired. She was the type of girl that followed, was very submissive, and didn't talk to people that weren't really close to her. She hated people in general; the way they acted and the way they were in a group of friends made her sick. She enjoyed the company of the people she already knew, and Alistair didn't like the fact that she was just so damn submissive. And it drove her crazy a little to have him just pick fights. That was the one time that October would fight back, since her temper was a little bit short. And she was pretty sure that's what he liked, the fight. But she wouldn't put it up unless he instigated, and she really did hate it when he instigated a fight. She didn't like fighting, but she would if she had to. And most of the time with Alistair, she had to. Then he started correcting her, started to tell her what she had written wrong. She put her pen down and put her hands against her head, getting flustered. "I've been fine," she mumbled under her breath. There was so much that she wished she knew about all of her classes. She wished she had gotten her sister's brains. Even though she was in Gryffindor, she still had the brains of a Ravenclaw, and she flaunted it. And October knew that her sister was getting upset with how much she was asking her to help with homework. So that's why October was by herself in the library. She didn't want to be shut down by her beloved sister again. Not that her sister really wanted anything to do with October. She sure made that clear when their little brother knew all the secrets and knew everything else. It hit a bad spot in October's heart because it was her twin sister. And she didn't even want October to be a big part of her life, didn't want to share anything with her. It caused October to be very anti-social, and that was something that a lot of people had a problem with. But only very few actually did something about it, or even tried to understand. October had a lot of snappy remarks behind her pearly white teeth. She held them all in. She wasn't going to give them the benefit of another fight. She couldn't stand fighting with anyone. She figured that came with the lack of fighting with her family. Siblings were supposed to fight, while the other two in the Madley family talked all the time and fought all the time. The only thing October could do was stop it, since she took a motherly role in the Madley household while her mother was off at the ministry doing whatever it was she did. She rubbed her temples, pushing her papers away from her. She was frustrated, this was not going to be good for Alistair. Unless he was looking for a fight with her or not. "Thanks," she mumbled after a long while after he had told her that she had been doing her paper wrong. She grabbed a new piece of parchment, her pen, and started writing again. Maybe if he just left she'd be able to do something better this time. Maybe, for once, she'd be able to do a paper without someone helping her out and giving her answers. Just maybe. created by ADE! Pb-ified by WILL

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[ALISTAIR ELIJAH MACMILLAN]

I've been holding back long enough

[atrb=border,0,true] [style=width: 250px; height: 290px; padding: 0px 5px 0px 5px; font-family: calibri; font-size: 11px; text-align:justify; color: #333; line-height: 99%; overflow: auto] It was really quite clear in October’s body language that she wanted him to go away. Part of him realised that it would probably be for the best if he just let her get on with her work and then he could go back to his and they could return to avoiding each other and all would be as normal between them. But Alistair didn’t want awkward silences and guilt on his shoulders, he wanted to be able to smile and say hello to her and she would react the same way. Alistair pushed aside the fact that he had made sure that was very unlikely to happen the night he fell into that girl’s bed. He had this motivation to right things between them and he was ignorant to how much October didn’t want to have him here. Al had this incurable disease called only ‘thinking about myself.’ He would kid himself that he was doing it for her benefit as well. He didn’t understand the need for girls to be angry and bitter for so long, he thought there must be a point when they got over it. If anything, it looked like he was making things worse. He sighed, honestly a little irritated with her. He was only trying to help her, be friendly, offer some advice, they were simple changes. Could she not stand to be around him so much that she would throw his help back in his face? In Al’s opinion that would be very stupid, since getting her essay correct was the most important thing. This was generally how arguments used to start between them, one little thing would occur, insubstantial and October had every right to be flustered, but it would irritate Alistair, he would snap at her, make a mountain out of a molehill and voila, argument in session. He stood and waited in silence, determined to get a thank you from her even if he had to stay here all day. He could be very stubborn when he wanted to be and he was rather OCD when it came to manners. Eventually, she mumbled her thanks and Alistair nodded, happy that he hadn’t had to force it out of her which he would have done if needs be. ”You’re welcome.” He replied, careful to put little to no emotion in his words. For once he actually didn’t want to fight with her, it was just that she kept giving him reasons to snap and before he knew it, he was telling her she was doing it wrong and no one liked having someone rub it their face. Again, he didn’t mean to, but he never seemed to learn from his mistakes and that was the bad thing about it, you’d think after years of people telling him to be a little more sensitive sometimes that he would take that advice on board and become a better person. But no, Alistair had his own way of going about things and no one was taking that from him. He was too stubborn for his own good. ”You don’t have to start it again,” The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. He really did need to start thinking through what he said before he said it. The problem was that he never realised that what he’d said had caused offence until he saw the other person’s reaction. And then it was too late and Alistair didn’t like to admit that he was wrong. That was another problem he had, in his opinion, he never was wrong. ”A simple spell will clear the bits that need changing on your old essay.” He also constantly underestimated October’s magical ability. He always forgot that what Alistair had found easy to remember and perform, she had struggled with. He did honestly think that he was a lot cleverer than he actually was, but he did belong in Ravenclaw house; his logic and intelligence were his best attributes and ones that he never struggled to show off. ”I can do it for you if you want? I’m not trying to fight with you.” He added quickly assuming that she was about to get flustered again and unable to keep the sharpness from his tone that indicated that he was indeed looking for a fight. [/style]

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[october]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-color: dddddd; border: #cccccc solid 8px; width: 420px; padding: 15 5 15 5px;] I'M TRYING REAL HARD TO NOT SHAKE I'M BITING MY TONGUE The Words: 588 The Outfit: her robes Tagged alistair macmillan October looked up at him. He seemed to be genuine when he said that he didn't want to fight. It was a change for October, but she didn't know how much she believed it. There was just so much history between them and there was just so much that she couldn't erase in her mind. All the yelling, all the screaming, and at the end, all the crying on her part. She was sick of crying and being pushed around, but for some reason, she kept crawling back to the people that yelled at her, and some of them were abusers. She lifted a hand to her red hair and ran a hand through it, completely destroying the part in her hair that had been set. She thought about how helpful he was being, and she was sure that there was a part of him that had made this plot up to benefit himself in some way. Or maybe it was to make him feel better. She knew that it probably not for her sake at all, but all for him. He was like that. And his self confidence made her self consciousness seem inferior. Since she didn't bring herself up in conversation anyway, when she dated Alistair, all the attention was taken off her. And she liked it, a lot. "Sure. Could you do it for me?" she asked quietly. She was scared of another fight with him, and as much as she wanted him to leave, she missed their closeness. Even if it was a lot of fighting. There was something about him that drew her in, but a lot of men did that. She supposed that it wasn't the men she was actually missing, but the closeness that they had once shared. How they could hold hands, or hug, or just be close to each other and she could feel happy and feel like all of her struggles and her past would completely go away. Of course, Alistair knew nothing about her past, knew nothing about her deteriorating family. It was a secret, just like it was to everyone else. And it'd take a long time before she opened up to anyone, especially if they were just going to cheat on her like Alistair did. She didn't want to be hurt like that ever. Abuse she could take, but to be hurt emotionally and to never have the wounds heal fully, feeling like she wasn't good enough for even Alistair MacMillan to continue to date her, it was a low blow, and it left her hurting more than he could ever know. "Why are you helping me anyway?" she asked, "Do you need to clear things up to get everything off your chest? Or do you actually care about how I feel?" She was being really blunt about it. She needed to know. If he chose the former, she was going to try to go back to ignoring him, never telling him how she felt, never confirming that this was all really hard for her. But if he chose the latter, then maybe she would tell him how much he hurt her. She doubted it though, since that would start to dig into her past. Maybe, just maybe, for once Alistair wasn't selfish. She doubted it, but she hoped that he would actually care. Even if he single-handedly ruined their relationship and forced October to break up with him. It'd be a nice change in events to see him not think about himself for once. created by ADE! Pb-ified by WILL

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[ALISTAIR ELIJAH MACMILLAN]

I've been holding back long enough

[atrb=border,0,true] [style=width: 250px; height: 290px; padding: 0px 5px 0px 5px; font-family: calibri; font-size: 11px; text-align:justify; color: #333; line-height: 99%; overflow: auto]”Of course. It’s pretty simple.” He said, happily pulling out his wand and trying his very hardest to keep his tone considerate rather than patronising. ”Watch.” He pulled the parchment towards him, doing a couple of wand movements and murmuring the spell under his breath but loud enough so that October could hear it. He wanted her to learn how to do it for herself after all. Give a man a fish you feed him for a day, teach the man to fish and you feed him for life. Knowledge was power in Alistair’s opinion. ”There.” He said, pushing it back to its original place in front of her. Now there were blank spaces so she could correct it, he hoped he’d left her enough room to fit it in but judging by the size of her writing he’d left a reasonable amount of space. He smiled, but he still felt incredibly awkward as he pocketed his wand. The bluntness of her words took him by surprise. He wasn’t used to having her lay out exactly how she was thinking and feeling. He’d always been very aware that there had been a sort of brick wall around her that he had never been able to penetrate and never know exactly how she felt except that she was quite willing to sit there and listen to Al ramble on about anything and everything. He opened his mouth but no words came out. He sighed, pulling out the chair in front of him and sitting down, carefully taking his time, for once trying to mull over the thoughts in his head and maybe try and pick out the most diplomatic response. It was difficult since he didn’t want to lie to her, he’d done enough of that in the past already, if she deserved anything from him then it was the truth. He sat with his hands underneath the table, the fingers on his right hand spinning the ring around on his left index finger. He had inherited it from his great grandfather, it wasn’t worth an awful lot but he never took it off, in fact he wasn’t sure it would come off at all now. Although the constant habit of moving it around and around had loosened its grip somewhat. Her sharp tone made it seem to Alistair that she was looking for an argument and he had to remind himself that she had every right to be mad at him. ”Of course I care about how you feel.” He was rather indignant that she thought he didn’t, or at least that’s how it came across in the tone of her voice. ”How can you think that I don’t?” He realised as soon as he said it that she would obviously have a whole host of answers to that question. Al took a deep breath. ”I feel like you haven’t forgiven me for what I... for what happened.” He forced himself to keep eye contact with her, even though he could feel the heat rising to his cheeks. It was the least he could do to show her a little respect. He was obviously referring to his drunken mistake, the final straw that had tipped their relationship into breaking point. Sure, Al had never imagined that it would last forever but he had rather hoped that when the time came to end things, it wouldn’t be because he’d messed things up. ”I didn’t mean for it to happen and I don’t want it to hang between us.” He sucked in his bottom lip waiting for whatever blow was about to fall, good or bad. [/style]

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[october]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-color: dddddd; border: #cccccc solid 8px; width: 420px; padding: 15 5 15 5px;] I'M TRYING REAL HARD TO NOT SHAKE I'M BITING MY TONGUE The Words: 607 The Outfit: her robes Tagged alistair macmillan October completely disregarded the fact that he cleaned up her essay. She simple pushed it aside. Her temper was flaring, and her mouth would not stop the first things that she was going to say. "Well let's see. You didn't exactly care when you slept with her," she said, her voice rising slightly and then it fell as she realized she was in the library. "I'm sorry if that made me feel like you didn't care about my feelings." Of course she hadn't forgiven him. If he had actually cared for her, he wouldn't have gone out and slept with someone else. And October spent many nights crying over him. It was just hard for her to believe that he would still care about her. Avoiding her, never getting the full story. She just didn't want to hear any of it. She didn't want to be around him right now either, but since he was staying, she didn't want to seem rude with him. She leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms. Looking up at him, she realized why she had fallen in the first place. When he really got a nice look at you, he was as handsome as could be. "I haven't forgiven you Alistair. Not at all. I am hurt, I am angry, I am upset. You broke me, when I thought you were..." she stopped. She didn't want to spill the secret to him that she had been hurt so many times. Abused. She didn't think that Alistair would be like them, though she had thought that about so many people. And she knew that the pattern would continue over and over again. And it killed her inside. She was never going to find someone though she never really believed that. She was going to get hurt in the future, be hurt, have more bruises than she could describe, and she couldn't tell anyone else but her best friends. It killed her inside to hold all that in. She had survived this long enough though, she could survive it longer. She hoped at least. The breaking point was approaching for her, and she knew that in somewhere between a matter of months, to a year, it was going to be there. She would be broken, probably beyond repair if she didn't get out of the rut she had illustrated for herself soon. She covered her face for a second, wiping away all the emotions she was feeling. Of course she knew that it wasn't going to work, but she could hope that just, for once, she could run away from all the things she felt, all the feelings that decided to flood back. She wished she could run away from everyone and everything, but she couldn't. She wished, sometimes, that she could just end her life altogether, but she could never do that to her family. Even if she didn't feel loved by them, she didn't want to put all that pressure on them and all that stress. She wished that it was easier, but nothing was never easy. Ever. And she was the first one to attest to that. She looked back at Alistair, how she had felt, for the most part of their relationship, like everything was simple. He was smarter than her, he would help her when she needed it, and then at the end of the day, he would love her. He would hold her, kiss her, make her feel worth it. She missed that, since her other relationships recently ended worse. She missed him, she missed everything that she used to have and used to be. created by ADE! Pb-ified by WILL

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[ALISTAIR ELIJAH MACMILLAN]

It was with an open mouth that Alistair looked at October, impolitely shoving the essay he had fixed for her to one side. He badly wanted to say something, to point out that the least he should get is a ‘thank you’ for saving her from having to start again and to remind her that manners cost nothing. Alistair was a stickler when it came to stuff like that; he thought that there was no greater rudeness than lack of etiquette. He was just about to say all of that to her face (because he could no longer hold back on the arguing, his mouth had opened and he was unable to stop himself once that happened) but October cut in first with her reply. He snapped his mouth together again, automatically wanting to be defensive even though he knew she had a very valid point, his pride disabled him to admit that. He really didn’t want to argue even though this was the most sure fire way to start things off if it was going to happen, but it had to be brought up.

He let out an exasperated, angry breath. ”I didn’t mean for it to happen!” His voice was quiet, keen to keep to the accepted decibels in the library but wanting to express his resentment. He wasn’t keen on fighting in the library; it was supposed to be a place of peace and quiet where solitude could be found. A place where Alistair could usually get away from the dramas of real life and forget that such nonsense was going on. It wasn’t somewhere to be airing your dirty baggage and quarrelling with ex girlfriends but they were here and it had to be said now. ”I was drunk, it was a mistake. I didn’t do it because I didn’t care about you; I did it because the alcohol went to my head.” He probably ought to add in that he was sorry once again but he didn’t think his pride could handle it.

Shoulders slumped a little at her next words. He felt like a bit of a dick and extremely guilty that he had put her through all of that. It wasn’t that he hadn’t realised before how angry and hurt she’d been; he’d been there when it had all come out after all. It was more the fact that she still felt that way now; the hurt evident on her face and in her tone. He hadn’t ever meant for any of it to happen, he’d drank too much, he’d gotten too big for his boots and the girl had been practically on top of him before he could even think it through and before he knew it, it was the next morning and he had the worst hangover of his life and had made probably the worst decision of his life so far. And yet a small part of him knew that as much as he regretted it, as much as it never meant anything and there was no plan to do it, he knew that it was completely fair for October to never forgive him.

”I didn’t want it to happen. I regret it, if I could go back and change things I would.” His voice was soft, pleading with her to believe him because he needed to be able to stop beating himself up about the way he had treated her. Especially now since she had practically stated that she thought she could trust him and he had broken that. ”I was an idiot, I wasn’t thinking, please believe that.” He offered her a small smile, reaching out to touch her hand. ”All the good times we did have, you must know I still care.” It was important to him that October saw that; he just wanted her to understand that he wasn’t a complete jerk, even if he did mess up and want to argue a lot.

[october]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-color: dddddd; border: #cccccc solid 8px; width: 420px; padding: 15 5 15 5px;] I'M TRYING REAL HARD TO NOT SHAKE I'M BITING MY TONGUE The Words: 598 The Outfit: her robes Tagged alistair macmillan October looked at Alistair. She didn't believe him, she really didn't. "I don't believe you Alistair!" she said. She could feel her head clouding, the thoughts finally drifting away and all those words she wanted to say to him ever since that... incident happened were finally going to fall out of her mouth. This was a rare occurrence for October, to speak her mind that is, and Alistair should feel lucky. But she knew he wouldn't. Her face started to heat up, her vision was focused just on him, and she knew that she was going to talk a lot, which never happened with the red head. It was always someone talking for her, someone talking over her, but she was finally going to be heard. Someone was going to listen, and she was going to make sure Alistair understood the depth of his little accident. This was going to be a big deal for October, and she was ready, she hoped. "Do you even understand what you did to me? You were someone who I thought actually cared, actually wanted to get to know me! We spent so much time fighting, and the only time I ever felt close to you was when we were making up. And if you really cared about me, you wouldn't have even dreamt of sleeping with someone else. Because I would've been enough for you. But no one is ever enough for you because you think you're better than anyone you set eyes on. I feel sorry for any girl that ever dates you again, because it seems like you'd rather date yourself than anyone beneath you!" she blurted. She didn't know if she meant everything she said or not. Or if it was all just words that her mind thought up to hurt Alistair the way that he hurt her. It was a puzzle that she didn't know if she could solve, but she hoped that he didn't hurt. Even though she was still really mad about the incident, she did care about him and she always had. She used to dream, when they broke up, that he'd come back and try and fix everything. And he didn't. He didn't try. Once they broke up, it was done. And she didn't want it to be like that. She wanted him to try to get her back, to apologize. She guessed that she could dream all she wanted, but the reality was that she just didn't think she could have a normal relationship. It was either fighting or abuse, or the eventual really sweet and amazing person, but she ended up not talking enough or not opening up enough for them. And she kept falling back into that trap, where all she could do is just flail around inside of her body and tell herself that she was dumb, and that there was no way she was going to get out of this one. Of course she was going to get out of it, but her brain didn't see it the same way that her heart saw it. They were two different things, two different thoughts, two different hopes and dreams. She wished they would settle, wished that she didn't have this tearing feeling inside her when all she wanted was to know what she thought and what was going to happen and everything she hoped and dreamed would be true. It would never be that way with her, not with so many issues in her family. Not with so many issues in her head. Not when she was so alone. created by ADE! Pb-ified by WILL

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[ALISTAIR ELIJAH MACMILLAN]

He gave her a disgruntled look in response to her words about her not believing him. What did he have to do to prove it to her? Not that he was going to do anything other than force his words upon her. There would be no “I’m sorry” gesture other than this. He was above such things as romantic gestures. He was firmly of the belief that if someone broke up with you, then they had broken up with you for a good reason and didn’t want to go out with you anymore. So when October may have been secretly hoping for Alistair to come crawling back to her on his hands and knees in the rain, Al had been holed up in the library reading, already trying to move on. That wasn’t to say that he couldn’t be romantic and he did consider himself to be gentlemanly (although he couldn’t use his relationship with October as back up for either of those points) he was a hearts and flowers kind of guy. But he was logical about it. Basically, he was a man and unless someone told him that what October wanted was for him to go back and say sorry straight away and try and salvage their relationship, he wasn’t going to do it.

”That’s. . . I don’t. . . Besides the point, I...” He spluttered out words, unable to come up with something coherent due to his immense disbelief. He hadn’t expected this; a barrage of words from October, many of them aimed to hurt him. She had succeeded. Although he was more peeved than hurt. He wanted to stand up and pace up and down like a caged tiger because he suddenly felt so frustrated. But instead he stayed put, his posture stiffening in his seat, jaw clenched as he simply continued to look at her with his mixture of hurt, disbelief and anger. His mind was spinning because what else could he say? She didn’t believe him, apparently probably never would. Finally he sighed, as if maybe something was finally dropping with him; October’s words illustrated to Alistair that he just had not done enough to prove that he was sorry. ”I do understand.” His voice was croaky and hoarse, his mouth suddenly having gone dry. ”I did want to get to know you, I did care, I promise. I just did a stupid thing; I wish I could take it back I do. I wish it had never happened.”

Many of her words had been pretty spot on. He always thought of himself as better than everybody, not just the girls he dated and if he could date himself then that would be all of his problems solved. It occurred to him that October obviously knew him a lot better than he knew her and that realisation caused another wave of guilt to wash over him. Had he really been that inattentive? Had he really come across as not caring? He bit down on his bottom lip. Feeling once again like he should apologize. But he didn’t. ”I do still care, October. This has been eating me up inside. Not just because I feel sorry for myself but because I’m sorry for hurting you.” He spoke as sincerely as he had ever spoken in his life, no longer angry with her because it was his fault. If she chose not to forgive him still though, that anger might resurface since he didn’t think he could do much more apologizing and guilt.

[ oh my gawd i suck for taking so long with this! sorry! ]